In Episode 11, which wraps up season number three of “Million Dollar Listing New York,” we realize just how far our three hombres have come. They’ve all grown as businessmen, but more important, they’ve grown as men. All have reached selling records in the last season, have broadened their personal lives and, ultimately, progressed as people.
We laughed, we cried, we wanted to change the channel, but regardless we’ll miss our weekly cyber-get-togethers to discuss them. But it’s not really goodbye; it’s “until next time.” Whether you are of the mindset of “out of sight, out of mind” or “distance makes the heart grown fonder” as Luis, Ryan and Fredrik ride off into the figurative sunset, we want to leave you with a little something to always remember them by.
1. Blame it on the plant The show opens with Luis pruning his bonsai — and how we wish that was a euphemism for something sexier. As he trims his tree, Fredrik calls to apologize for all that has transpired between them, but Luis, forever delinquent on his anger management classes, takes out his aggression on his foliage.
2. Blame it on the stock market Ryan is at the Orion, a high rise building in Times Square, hoping to sell ballroom dancer Andrew’s 1,075 square foot, two bedroom apartment. Par for the course, when the seller says he wants $1.9 million, and Ryan explains comparable units in the building sell for $1.5 million, the seller schools Ryan, saying that it isn’t all about comps. The real estate market is affected by the stock market and the Dow is up. As always, there’s a compromise, and the two agree to a $1.725 million asking price as long as Andrew agrees to show Ryan how to cut a rug.
3. Blame it on the sun, sea and sand Fredrik is in Bridgehampton — “the playground for the wealthy” — to view his latest development project, Barn and Vine, a 37-home project ranging from $3 million to $4.5 million. His co-agent located in the Hamptons is Terry, who will be doing showings while Fredrik is in the city negotiating deals and masterminding stuff. Seeing that the marketing of his Brooklyn townhome to Manhattanites worked so well, he has decided to do the same for these South Shore properties. He tells Jane, the developer, that he thinks this will work — especially if they add concierge services, which are typically offered in the city but not for freestanding homes on the island.
4. Blame it on the
AfterMath Luis gets a call from Janet from Milstein Properties to let him know the apartment he showed Ryan closed. Because she is happy with that deal — which Luis helped to facilitate — she wants to offer him the chance to learn the alphabet and sell unit 25EFGH. He originally wanted to price it too high at $7.8 million, but when all he could garner was $7.1 million she dismissed him. But now she has repriced it even higher at $8.4 million because math is hard. “Go get ‘em tiger,” she encourages him, unleashing this man beast into beating his hands together.
5. Blame it on the two left feet Ryan meets up with Andrew seller/dancer to learn some smooth moves to impress Emilia, who has been wanting to go out dancing. Ryan relays a heartwarming tale of his attendance at a 7th grade dance to woo a cute girl. Only his dancing didn’t do the wooing, his penis did. J/K or not. Who knows anymore? His plan is to learn a choreographed routine to perform in Central Park as a sort of flash mob of one.
But as he tries he realizes he “dances like a banana.”
6. Blame it the autonomic nervous system Frederik holds his opening party for Barn and Vine at the Gansevoort to build buzz in Manhattan. His co-broker has clearly never been let out of the house or set loose in a big city because she starts acting hysterical, making loud, inappropriate and grating interjections as Fredrik is trying to speak to possible buyers.
7. Blame it the autonomic nervous system (part two) Luis is eager to show Michael, 75 Wall’s marketing director, the newly staged penthouse. But its darkened walls, leather, mirrors and lacquer are all too much for him, seducing him with their smooth surfaces and come-hither glows, inciting him to say, “This apartment looks amazing. This apartment smells like sex.” We hope 311 has a plan to handle that complaint.
8. Blame it on the phone Ryan says that no New Yorker would buy in Time Square but foreign investors will. As a result, he sets aside a night to have a bunch of bilingual agents call overseas to try to garner interest in his exclusive. Luckily he quickly gets an all-cash offer because clearly telemarketing to strangers works. Next up: random emails where Ryan asserts he is a Nigerian prince ready to give you money to deposit into your account.
9. Blame it on Terry Histrionic Terry keeps calling Fredrik to alert him of potential buyers who have stipulations that include: wanting a pool house, five fireplaces, an orange roof and horses on site. Fredrik calls them because once again the phone fixes all problems and dissuades them from wanting what they want because, “cleaning a chimney in the Hamptons costs $900 an hour.”
10. Blame it on the Ronde When Ryan is presented with an over-ask $1.8 million offer on Andrew’s apartment, he does what you’d do: he wants even more. Meanwhile Ryan practices his dance-dance revolution with his work colleague saying he is going to “light up that dance with fire under my feet.”
He asks his colleague if he saw his “ronde,” which we assume means “dignity” because the response is “no.” Still, he gets an even better offer of $1.89 million, which is a record price for the Orion and a double yay because it is a direct deal worth 6%!
11. Blame it on the rhythm Ever the predator, Ryan lures Emilia to Central Park for a surprise dance attack. No biggie, but he hired a band, dancers and a choreographer because a great man once told him, “Go big or go home.” Emilia is thrilled when she realizes that he planned this surprise for her, and Ryan tells us Emilia made him realize that he can still be disciplined but not just for him. Now it is also for “his beautiful little Greek girl.”
12. Blame it on the sales Fredrik is out celebrating with Derek and his best friend Anna from London. He couldn’t take them along with him earlier that night when he was honored for having won #1 team in the nation at Elliman. Next we find out he sold five of the 37 Hamptons homes in just a few weeks totaling $20 million in offers. He says it is a great start and mimics a train leaving its station:
13. Blame it on Fredrik Luis is at the 75 Wall St. opening party when Ryan shows up to support him like a manzierre. But three’s a crowd when Fredrik also comes to talk to Luis, hoping to bury the hatchet, “get a hug, get a high five and laugh about what happened.” But Luis knows how to hold a grudge, explaining that Fredrik never came through for him and comparing him to Ryan, who has. He says the way Fredrik goes about things is disgusting, and when Fredrik asks exactly what is disgusting, Luis replies, “you!” Fredrik feels Luis is acting spoiled and entitled, while Luis feels Fredrik is so caught up in his own success that he only wants to “help” to make himself feel like a good person. “You are doing it for you,” and then hits a low blow when he wonders aloud if that is how he also treats Derek. All the while Ryan eats, watching the drama with glee.
Fredrik feels that this doesn’t sound like Luis and that this smells of Ryan’s influence.
And it is here where we learn the best new word of the year and we hurriedly submit it to www.urbandictionary.com : Luis says, “You aren’t helping me. You are dishelping me.”
This overly long fight — that reminds you of why you are happy about mom and dad’s divorce years ago even though it meant you had to change schools and ended up throwing like a girl — continues as Fredrik says, “I’m not going to be your partner, I’m going to be your competition.”
Then your mom says to your dad Luis says that Fredrik may be the top broker but to him he’s the biggest bitch.
Fredrik leaves us with an ominous note: “This doesn’t end here; it is just the beginning.”
14. Blame it on the love: Because Fred-rek loves Derek forevah, Fredrik surprises Derek telling him he is going to buy them one of the Bridgehampton homes — one with 1,884 square feet of recreational space so
their kids can run around Dererk can work on his art.
15. Blame it on luck After only three weeks Luis has gotten Janet an over-ask $8.5 million all-cash offer for apartment ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP because all the extra letters make it worth it. We are thankful we are saved from the repetitive back and forth of how that number came to be and are happy all that all’s well that ends well when Janet closes the show with a hug.
16. Blame it on BRAVO As the season closes we are left with a bunch of cliffhangers:
Will Ryan sell the Sky Garage?
Will Derek and Fredrik have a baby?
Where in the hell is Milo the mini-dachshund that Derek got Fredrik on their anniversary. There are no pics of him anywhere on Fredrik’s social outlets.
Will Ryan and Emilia make it as a couple?
What will transpire in the Luis vs. Fredrik war?
As the credits begin to roll we see the aftershow attractions, where even though Ryan says, “The number one rule is there is no crying in real estate” everyone is crying.