The Real Deal New York

Decoding broker double talk

A look at real estate clichés and their definitions

August 03, 2014 11:00AM

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WEEKENDEDITION Hunting for an affordable NYC apartment is hard enough, but a shady double-talking broker can make the experience even worse. To ease the pain, Time Out has rounded up and decoded the most commonly used bits of broker-babble. Check out their “New York real estate agent to English dictionary” below.

New York Real Estate Agent:
“This building has tons of history!”
English Translation:
“Three people have been murdered in this apartment.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“Pre-war gem in the heart of Greenpoint!”
English Translation:
“Covered in peeling linoleum and 17 blocks from the closest subway.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“This cozy studio apartment boasts all modern fixtures!”
English Translation:
“This tiny little shoebox has plumbing from the early 20th century, which, in a broader historical context, legally counts as ‘modern’. Also, the water is often an alarming shade of brown.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“East Williamsburg!”
English Translation:
“The far side of Bushwick.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“Quaint pre-war building!”
English Translation:
“Don’t try to use the toaster and the air conditioner at the same time.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“Charming.”
English Translation:
“There are two kinds of linoleum in the kitchen.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“Roof Access!”
English Translation:
“Has a fire escape.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“This unit features original fixtures and moldings.”
English Translation:
“This hole has never been renovated.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“Hmm, I’m really not sure if the Brooklyn House of Detention is going to reopen. I haven’t heard anything.”
English Translation:
“The Brooklyn House of Detention is definitely going to reopen.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“Three bedrooms!”
English Translation:
“There are two bedrooms and half of a walk in closet.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“This fabulous dwelling is conveniently located walking distance from the subway!”
English Translation:
“Technically speaking, everywhere on Earth that can be reached by land is ‘walking distance’. Buy some comfortable shoes.”

New York Real Estate Agent:
“Large skylights guarantee a sun-drenched apartment!”
English Translation:
“There is one weird window set in the sloping ceiling over the bed that is impossible to cover. Enjoy being woken up at 4am in the summer.”

 [Time Out]Christopher Cameron

  • Chris is a dick

    Thank you Chris for being an asshole and perpetuating the notion that all agents are shady and slimy. I expect more from the Real Deal!

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