Congratulations on successfully making it to another round of Real Estate Holiday Party Season, a very special time of year when some of the world’s biggest companies shower their employees, clients and minor European royalty figures with free food and alcohol, if only to remind everyone that they can afford to do so. Whether you’re a host or a guest, here are some tips on how to make sure you stand out this year.
(Stand out in a good way, that is. If you want to stand out in a bad way, just drink too much, and the rest of the night will pretty much take care of itself.)
Host it at a venue that starts with a word like “Le” or “Taj.” This is the most effective and efficient way to make your party seem fancy. After all, any lame company can throw together an event at some place that starts with “The.” But it takes a truly visionary leader to host an event at a venue starting with a word that sounds vaguely foreign but might still also be English, or at least acceptable to use in Scrabble.
Hire a jazz quartet, and make sure it performs a peppy version of “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” If you do not hire a jazz quartet to perform a peppy version of “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” rest assured that the only thing anyone will say about your holiday party is that there was not a jazz quartet performing a peppy version of “Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!” You have been warned.
Spend the entire party on your cell phone. The whole point of going to holiday parties is to be recognized as a powerful person who is powerful enough to spend their power evenings powering around with other powerful people. But the biggest power play of all would be to go to one of these holiday parties and spend the whole time ignoring everyone there while barking phrases like “Close the deal!” “That’s the best they can do?” and “You’re fired!” into your cell phone. That way, everyone at the party will know that you’re basically too powerful to even be there.
Give the person at the coat check station a $30,000 tip. When people comment on how large your tip was, reply, “Oh, was it? My company raked in so much money during 2019 that $30,000 is now a completely meaningless figure to me.” Then spend 45 seconds laughing in the style of your favorite James Bond villain. This will be a nice, subtle way to let party attendees know that your business is doing well.
Come up with catchy nicknames for all of the attendees. This is a great way to get yourself a reputation as a fun and clever partygoer. If someone at the party is 6 feet tall, for instance, call them “Stretch.” If someone is 6 feet 3 inches tall, call them “Super Stretch.” If someone is 6 feet tall with large biceps, call them “Stretch Armstrong.” If someone is less than 6 feet tall, well, you’re on your own there.
Don’t go to any of the parties. If you really want to be the main conversation topic this holiday party season, just don’t show up to anything. This virtually ensures that everyone at the parties will spend the whole time talking about why you aren’t there, especially if your company happens to be the one hosting the event. And when people do see you again and ask about your absence, just give them a coy smile and say, “I had something pressing to attend to.” Or, if you want to be more honest, you can say, “I was watching ‘The Office’ on Netflix for the third time to see if I could finally understand why everyone loves it so much. I still don’t really get it.”