“Million Dollar Listing Miami” Episode 5: The Frenemy edition

Chris, Chad and Samantha try to help their buddies complete property sales

Jul.July 24, 2014 09:45 AM

Is it any wonder that with South Florida being so sunny all the time, that the Duck, Duck, Goose of the unreal estate industry — Chris, Chad and Samantha — would be throwing major shade at everyone in their path? With friends like these, you don’t need frenemies!

In this episode we watched as they each tried to assist their friends — whether fellow agents or sellers — sell some property… with jibes, eyerolls, whines, complaints and insults.

This episode had everything: tighty whities, copious amounts of champagne, mermaids, fishies, a dog funeral, Swiffers, urinal commentary and zings for days.

In the spirit of “if you can’t beat them, join them,” sit right back, friends, and let us snark on the snarkers:

1) Dirty Urinals vs. Dirty Looks: We are back with Chad at his open house for Don Soffer’s $15.5M Palm Beach Gardens mansion, and Chris shows up to introduce his buyers to him. The champagne is free-flowing, as is the gaudiness: a bazillion-dollar chandelier, a room ensconced in red velvet and more gold than you could throw at Donald Trump assault our eyes. As we see a tour of the bathroom, Chris is mortified that it comes equipped with a somewhat dirty urinal. “Urinals smell,” he quips, staring the show off on the snark tip. The eyerolls continue as Chad’s girlfriend complains to Marley, Chad’s co-lister, about the old flyer she brought that omitted his picture. Marley explains she didn’t have anything else and sashays away, impervious to the invisible daggers piercing her back.

To set the mood: 

2) Bitches vs. Beaches: We learned in the last episode that Sam’s beloved dog died unexpectedly, and now she and her friends and family have converged on a beach to pay their respects to little Chloe … by donning leopard-print clothing and Louboutins and pouring one out for their dead poochie. On an anthropomorphic tip, Sam says that Chloe was the “first person she’d see in the morning and the last person she’d see at night.” Paul, Sam’s teary-eyed father, agrees that Chloe was a great person, while Stacey, Sam’s event planner, wipes tears off of Sam’s face, completely oblivious to the mourning, as she talks only about upcoming sales and open houses.

To set the mood:

3) Urinals vs. Europeans: When not making urinal commentary, Chris tells the viewers about his “friend” Orsi, whose fiancé of nine years (oh honey!) is leaving her to move to Istanbul with his new lover. Never the sentimentalist but ever-charitable, Chris snarks that he tends to attract needy women pining for his advice, so he is altruistically going to help Orsi sell her penthouse apartment, even though it is only worth about a million dollars. He hikes it all the way to North Beach, an up-and-coming area, to Orsi’s dinner party for a gaggle of Europeans, to view the 1,400 square foot unit. He is quick to bitchily point out that Orsi is using the apartment all wrong — keeping the retractable wall open instead of using it as a two bedroom. Having purchased the unit with Hans, her wayward lover, the previous year, she is hoping to assuage her broken heart with $1.2M smackaroos. Chris quickly puts the kibosh on that, pointing out, yet again, his “friend” is totally wrong and cannot get a penny over $1.025M for the place. Orsi puts up a good fight, but in the end agrees to list it at that and points out she has a new beau already — a South African dreamboat in the other room.

To set the mood:

4) Low Prices vs. Low Self-Esteem: Chad is lamenting the fact that Marley is the gatekeeper of Don Soffer’s listing and that is preventing him from selling this property. He holds a few private showings with other agents and talks badly about Marley behind her back, with them egging him on, imploring him to talk to Don himself about reducing the unreasonable price. He ends up asking them if they think he looks and walks like a gorilla, because his lovely girlfriend seems to have given him a complex about being ape-like. Apparently her negs have worked, because Chad later meets her parents to ask if he could take her hand in his monkey one  marriage. They are all thrilled. He later gripes to his girlfriend about Marley and how she refuses to listen to reason and allow him to contact Don Soffer about lowering the price. He feels this relationship with Marley is going nowhere.

To set the mood:

5) Bras vs. Bros: Sam is back in the saddle at her open house, where she is trying to sell the aquatic-themed bachelor pad owned by her friend, Chad Moss. Even though her event planner told her not to have a mermaid at the event, Sam apparently didn’t listen, because guests are greeted by a scantily clad, bodacious mermaid who eagerly is coming out of her top shell. There are two groups at this event: a group of bros that like to party and a group of bras that say the place would be great for their “shugs,” which is short for sugar daddies. To make matters worse, each guest is handed a free fish upon leaving, because no one is better at caring for small living things than wasted bachelors. On an up-note, if this real estate thing doesn’t work out, Sam could have a thriving pet memorial service business. When Tammy, an agent who showed the property to her client, Michael, comes back to chat with Sam about a possible offer, we are more shocked to learn that Sam is only 29 (!) (because Botox: You are doing it wrong!) and Tammy is 44, because based on their looks their ages seem inversed. When Sam later poses the $5.3M offer to Chad, she tries to strong-arm him into taking it, even though he is her bestie, saying that it would still be a record price and that the comps don’t agree with his asking price of $6.2M. He disagrees and it is back to the drawing board (and dermatologist) for Sam.

To set the mood:

6) Sylvia vs. Zoila: Tighty-whitey-clad Chris has his Hispanic housekeeper Sylvia — a doppelganger in attitude of Zoila, Jeff Lewis’ housekeeper on BRAVO’s show “Flipping Out,” known for her own insults — pack up her cleaning supplies to head to Orsi’s house, because he is sure her “house probably smells bad.” On the way, he stops to get cheapie roadside flowers, because Orsi “probably has fake flowers in her house” anyway. Orsi must have telepathic zing radar, because as soon as he enters her apartment, she tells him his pants are wrinkled and he looks a mess. Ever the problem solver, Sylvia puts his pants in the dryer while getting drunk on champagne they brought for guests.

To set the mood:

7) Real Estate Porn vs. Actual Porn: Orsi attends the open house, even though sellers shouldn’t, and ends up distracting Sylvia and also overhears potential buyers and their agents saying how affordable the unit is. As such, she confronts Chris and says he has priced the unit too low, and is greeted by eyerolls and head shakes. When Chris gets an offer for $950K from a broker who came to the open house, he gets it up to $1M. He goes to see Orsi to give her the lowdown, but first has to give her one final zing about the way she is dressed, saying that she seems far too dressed up for midday. When she responds by noting that she has a lunch date, he says, “A lunch date for hire or for real?” After calling his friend a hooker, he assures her if she and Hans don’t take the offer, the buyer will just buy the other unit available a floor below. Unbeknownst to him, Orsi never got Hans to agree to split the $300K profit 50-50. So when Chris calls Hans and hears he is only giving Orsi $70K, he must play attorney and relationship counselor. Orsi wants $150K and the car and furniture for the nine years of her life she gave to Hans, and slowly but surely Chris gets Hans to agree to $120K along with the other items.

To set the mood:

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