The Three Not-So-Amigos are back in Episode Two of “Million Dollar Listing Miami,” moving and shaking like never before. And by moving and shaking, we are referencing the literal far more than the figurative.
This show has everything: pasty-clad women, kangaroo-ing, g-strings, hired dancers, divot stomping and the ever-popular after party!
Here’s what we learned this go-around:
1) The non-dynamic duo The show opens with Rachel and Samantha, who are still in the midst of trying to sell Gil Dezer’s sexy Penthouse Tower suite at Trump Royale in Sunny Isles Beach. During last week’s episode they agreed to try to sell it for $8.9M in 30 days, but there were no comps to justify the price. They orchestrated a $25K open house party with no results.
2) Pasty and party are just a letter away Chad is doing pushups on his faux-grass trying to be all he can be. It would appear he does more before 6 a.m. than you do all day. He shares a bit about his childhood and how a near-fatal accident he had as a teenager fuels him to try to be his best daily. But those are internal scars — no one can see them. His girlfriend Jen keeps him focused, fed and looking fine, as evidenced by her helping him pick out a Versace jacket and pocket square for his big day.
When we last left Chad, his co-lister and fellow agent Stacey canceled the open house on her $3.95M Palm Island home without telling him. The dust has settled and he’s back, baby. The party was rescheduled and included scantily clad dancers in g-strings and pasties (which marks the second time ever and in the last month that we have referenced pasties in our efforts to be servicey.)
Takeaway: Everything goes better with pasties (Click here if you need more proof)
One guest remarks the open house is a “babelicious fest,” but when Samantha shows up she has an opposing view, saying, “There’s a lot that’s open in this house and it starts with the girls’ butts and breasts.” And this is what we call a zing! She explains that having lived in Florida her whole life, it takes more than boobs and butts to be creative and that because Chad is an implant transplant, he doesn’t get that.
Chad feels that clients want to be entertained and he is not just selling an actual property, but also a lifestyle. Hence, the after party!
Takeaway: It’s the freakin’ weekend
We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: everything in life, including the most mundane things like dental appointments or laundry, should have an after party.
3) May Cause Drowsiness, Hallucinations and Aggression Chris is now meeting with a top agent in Boca Raton named Senada, not to be confused with Sonata, which can have side effects like sedation, hallucinations or aggression, which, when one comes to think of it, can be quite similar to those caused by South Florida real estate negotiations.
At a polo match he divulges to Senada that he was a child model — on the cover of math books, which we are not wholly sure isn’t the opening of a Louis CK bit. He is clearly laying it on thick, in a bizarre Pretty Woman homage, to try to woo her into sharing her new penthouse listing with him. But he admits he hasn’t “tried to seduce a woman … ever.”
Takeaway: Pretty Woman
As they stomp on the divots, he learns about her 1000 Ocean penthouse, which is in perhaps the nicest Palm Beach City building ever. He proposes they team up because while she is great on her own he could be “a nice little injection.” In this Kafka-esque moment in television history, a Bravo-induced Metamorphosis, we see him literally turning into what he pumped into his face. He is the human representation of Botox!
Takeaway: The Metamorphosis
4) Boca Raton vs. Del Boca Vista Chris heads to Boca, which he equates to an upscale retirement community, to check out a 6,000 square foot, 4BR/4.5 apartment with Calcutta marble, a pool, spa, huge terrace and ocean views. The owners bought it in 2010 for $10M and put about $2M in renovations into it and now want to cash out. Chris thinks that comps ain’t a thing and that this can set a precedent in the area for pricing, but Senada disagrees and thinks $13.5M is the price. Chris comments that co-listers can’t be choosers, so let’s present this idea to her seller’s rep.
No word yet on Del Boca Vista pricing.
Takeaway: Del Boca Vista
5) Reductions and withdrawals: Chris is
kangaroo-ing kangoo-ing which isn’t nearly as fetishy as it sounds, and invited Sam to join and work out while wearing bouncy shoes, so they can discuss her $8.9M listing. But once again, we are accosted visually by boobs and butts as Sam bounces around without a foundation garment. “I would have worn a sports bra if I were you,” chides Chris to Sam.
But with eight days left on her exclusive with Gil, she has far bigger things (zing!) to worry about. Chris suggests something unheard of in Miami: A reduction! He suggests she either reduce or withdraw. “Do you ever withdraw?” Sam asks. “All the time,” says XTube.
6) Sex sells Chris wants to have a dignified event with champagne and a harpist to introduce the $13.5M Boca Raton exclusive to the agent community, but Senada and her marketing team have other things in mind. She wants to hold a bikini competition, because #Florida. Chris counters with, “It’s not Daytona Beach or Spring Break.” But Senada says they can do it classy … with Hawaiian Tropics models. Chris bends a bit, suggesting Herve Leger swimsuits and Louboutins, but only if he can be a judge. Senada frowns upon this and Chris feels it is because of his sexual orientation and quickly adds, “I can’t be a judge because I’m gay? We are the most judgmental people in the world!” She relents and angels (with harps, of course) cry.
Takeaway: Spring Break
They continue on their mission to sell the unit, which is nothing more than a very expensive white box, to the Jonathan Adler store where Chris wantonly flirts with the store manager and succeeds in getting a free $495 white shark sculpture, even though he specifically went there to get colorful items to brighten the place up. But brightened up personally, he winks at the shop manager and asks if he can personally deliver the items so he can see his blue eyes.
7) The People’s Court Rachel and Sam debate about what to do about Gil’s listing, which is about to expire in seven days. Both feel they have done everything they could but have not gotten any traffic or offers. Both also realize it is because Gil has priced the property too high. But they differ in that Sam feels it is an agent’s duty to inform the client that the pricing is wrong and educate him about the market (duh!). Rachel wants to hang on and not give up on it, because unicorns exist. They decide to take it to The People’s Court or let
Judge Judy Gil decide.
Takeaway: Judge Judy
8) Marching Out: Chad gets a lowball offer from Paolo, a buyer’s agent, of $3.295 as a “Christmas gift.” But quickly gets it increased to $3.4m. Chad says this is unacceptable because even though the home needs renovation, there is nothing on
Fantasy Palm Island for under $6M. Apparently offers rise more quickly than the temps in Florida, because Paolo eventually comes back with a best and final of $3.55M, all-cash and with a 15-day close.
When Chad presents Stacey and Eric with it, Eric balks and marches out because nothing feels quite so good as marching out. However, Stacey is eager to move and forces Eric to march right back in, which doesn’t feel nearly as good. She ultimately convinces Eric to accept. Deal done!
9) Devils with Blue Dresses on: Sam and Rachel show up in nearly the same blue dress to speak to Gil, who shows up in the same “sexy” blue jeans as before.
Takeaway: DoubleMint Gum Twins
His mom-jeans have now morphed into the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Takeaway: The Sisterhood of Traveling Pants
Sam presents her case: The unit is overpriced, the market dictates price and in order to continue, she needs a reduction. Rachel says she disagrees and wants to stay the course (way to have a sister’s back, Rach!) and will have “real” showings next week.
Gil points out that he knows all the local agents and doesn’t need them for that and also that this is a rarity — a penthouse … with a swimming pool — and other buildings are getting $1,100 per square foot. Sam stands her ground and explains this unit’s finishes, upgrades and furnishings are not up to par to warrant that.
When Gil says the bottom line is she didn’t bring in customers, she says she will have to withdraw.
As the credits roll and violins play while winged harpists cry, spoiling thousands of other Miami open houses, we read that the home stayed on the market but didn’t sell and has since been taken off the market.