“Million Dollar Listing” Episode 3: The Classy vs. Trashy edition

We are onto the third episode of “Million Dollar Listing Miami,” in which Sam, Chris and Chad — the Snap, Crackle and Pop of the Miami real estate scene — help buyers and sellers get the most bang for their buck while keeping it oh-so-classy vs. oh-so-trashy. But hey, you decide.

This episode had so much to offer: dueling dogs, thong-clad bikini contest girls, Negative Nancy’s — not to mention Debbie Downers — and most importantly, wine and cheese and cheese, and even more cheese.

Now onto what we learned [about being classy] this time around:

1) Chloe Chanel vs. Pitbull: Sam has a new client to work with — a buyer named Lisa who wants to live near the water but is prohibited from moving back to Miami because she bought a pit bull, which is illegal there. Not to be outshined by classy dogs, Sam introduces us to her own — a tiny beast named Chloe Chanel. Hoping to make up for her $25K Gil Dezer mistake, she eagerly takes on Lisa’s request and begins looking for a $1.2-1.6M dream home on the water.

2) Gluten Vs. Caviar: Chris’ housekeeper Sylvia is tending to the King of the Castle, who is preparing for his tasteful One Thousand Ocean bikini contest. Understanding that the asking price of $13.995M for a 4BR/4.5 apartment will be a record breaker (and also a ball-breaker) in Boca, he is reaching out to brokers far and wide — like Miami, Palm Beach and New York — to invite them to check out the views of both the property and model’s asses. We learn gluten is a no-no when he is offered a cupcake at the start of his spa day, but caviar is a yes-yes when he munches on the stuff post-facial.

3) Chateau vs. Chadteau: Chad has a new listing: a Coral Gables home previously auctioned off, but the buyer dropped out. So Treyor, the seller’s rep, is hoping Chad can do his thang and find a seller for the combined dual-unit 7,500 square foot, 6.5-bedroom monstrosity with double the pleasure, double the maintenance. Even though the last unit sold in the building went for $4.95M, after much discussion they agree on $5.3M as the listing price. Because it comes with its own wine closet, Chad decides to brand his own bottles of wine [Chadteau] with the listing information on the labels and throw a wine and cheese party.

4) Margaritas and Hotwings vs. Taco Bell: Chris arrives at his open house-cum-Miss Boca Raton contest where the property “is so not Boca you feel like you are in Miami.” “In New York for $13M you get nothing” says one party-goer eager to see some girls walk down the runway. When Sam shows up she tells Chris, “You might want to lay off the Botox because it’s seeping into your brain,” alluding to the overly high price. As sequined and thong-clad women sashay down the makeshift runway competing to be Miss Classy, we learn that one loves margaritas and hot wings, and another loves Taco Bell. Still, these high-class buyers seem to be eating this up.

5) Imaginary Yachts vs. Real Dogs: Sam is out showing Lisa three properties and much like the three bears, nothing is quite right at first. Because inventory in Fort Lauderdale is so low, Sam is scrambling to show her something with space for her dog on the water. And because waterfront homes garner 60 percent more than those not on the water, she is warning Lisa she will have to fix up whatever place she gets in her price range. The first place she shows Lisa gets poo-pooed because while on the water, there is a bridge, which means she could not house her imaginary yacht there. The second place has no backyard grass for her very real dog to run on.

6) Plastic Wine Glasses vs. Three-Piece Suits: Jen, Chad’s on-camera entertainment reporter girlfriend, who doesn’t live with him because she’s traditional and won’t move in with a guy without a ring, is there all the time and helping him put together super-high-end plastic wine glasses that keep breaking. Thankfully enough come together for the open house of the overly large unit with separate husband and wife bedrooms and The Shining hallways. Selling RE in this town is clearly REDRUM when Ty, a real estate agent, makes the only decent offer of $5M, which Treyor—wearing yet another three-piece suit—balks at. After throwing around $3 words like “rigmarole,” Treyor finally accepts, as long as it closes in three days after a 15-day inspection period.

7) Negative Nancys vs. Debbie Downers: After Lisa nixes yet another home, Sam asks her if Lisa is around, because all she sees is a Negative Nancy. But onward — Sam shows Lisa a third property which is just right — on the water with the room for a yacht, with a great kitchen and plenty of space for her dog. Sam alerts her the seller is very motivated, seeing as the home is vacant and has been on the market for quite some time. So while initially Lisa was willing to pay $1.2M, Sam thinks she can get it for less. Sam meets with the seller’s agent, Joan, who is the Betty White of real estate, having been in the industry since agents were selling caves. Still, Joan balks at the lowball offer, saying it is ridiculous and an insult. Sam holds her ground and after Joan contacts her seller via her bedazzled phone, all is good in the world. The deal is done for $1.099M, with outdoor furniture thrown in.

8) Cheers vs. Tears: Campion, the seller’s rep on the Boca unit, wants to meet with Senada and Chris post-bikini party. They hope it is just for a status update, and explain they have put $55K into marketing this piece. They are shocked when Campion tells them the seller fell in love all over again with their property and no longer want to sell. They suspect Campion is enlisting another agent, but he assures them the unit is off the market. If his (and her) faces wasn’t so paralyzed by fillers and Botox, he’d cry. But instead, Chris has no choice but to keep a stiff upper lip and eat the $55K cost of the lost exclusive.

9) Returned Apartments vs. Returned Aston Martins: With only seven days till the Coral Gables unit closes, Chad buys an Aston Martin. But his dreams are dashed when Ty calls and says there is a problem: The inspection found issues with the electricity and flooring, and now they need a $250K price reduction. Chad knows this is not going to fly with Treyor and starts breaking things. We are left with a real Bravo cliffhanger on our hands: Do Aston Martin’s have a return policy? Will Treyor appear on camera in yet a third three-piece suit? Will this deal ever be done? All work and no play make Chad an unhappy boy indeed …