Latest “Million Dollar Listing NY”: Lack of selfie restraint

It’s old versus new — pricetags-cum-hashtags — in this fifth episode of This Old House The Ghost and Mrs. Muir “Million Dollar Listing New York,” when antisocial media experts/”Ghostbusters,” Fredrik Eklund, Ryan Serhant and Luis Ortiz – hash(tag) it all out showing us the importance of taking it to the web.

It’s the same staid formula — price apartment, seller disagrees, get an offer, seller balks saying it is too low, go back and forth ad nauseum. But the wash, rinse, repeat we’ve come to know so well comes with a twist in episode 5: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and ghosts – oh my!

This show has something for everyone, young and old: selfies, severed doll heads, haunted elevators, sexy MILFs, dowdy marms, surrogates, cheap cheesy burritos and 15-year old couches.

So sit back, smile, say “cheese” and post your best selfie; we’ll see you and the boys on the web:

1. It’s Anthropomorphism vs. Mispronunciation: The show opens with Fredrik at 101 Warren in Tribeca which he describes as a her. “Whenever I see ‘her’ she hugs me and usually gives me a check.” He meets with seller Zeke — which he mistakenly pronounces “Zeke-y” — about a duplex penthouse with a 1,300-square-foot terrace with 30-feet ceilings priced at a whopping $11 million (+ furniture). Fredrik-y walks away with the exclusive.

Trending Hashtag: #realestateporn

2. It’s #TBT vs. #TCB: Luis lets us in on the secret of his success — cold calling. He has contacted Sam, a FSBO who is selling his West 88th Street apartment himself. Because he works from home, Sam has time to show his apartment at any time, but four weeks have passed and he has not gotten an offer. Luis points out that in the real estate world those four weeks are like dog years and promises he can garner him $100,000 more if he is allowed to take on the listing and stage it accordingly on his own dime, commenting about the seller’s 15-year old couch, “Old furniture distracts buyers.”

Trending hashtag: #sorrynotsorry

3. It’s sexy moms vs. dowdy marms: Ryan is in Murray Hill which he says is best known for “Hot moms” and tells us, “Fun fact: When I first moved to New York I lost my virginity there at least 12 times.” Unfortunately Patricia is a seller who doesn’t live up to his anticipated stereotype. Again we are in #tbt territory in a home that time (but not ghosts) has forgotten with furniture so outdated, “it looks like it came off the Titanic.” There is an ungodly chill in certain areas of the house which could explain the excessive ornate crosses hung everywhere. There is, however, no explanation for the lot of severed doll heads and other spooky oddities in the basement.

Trendy hashtag: #yolo (or do you?)

4. It’s Brrr vs. Grrr: Throughout the episode we have a very special guest star making a cameo: the dreaded snow of 2014. We see it falling, accumulated on the ground in dirty, grey patches and Fredrik almost slipping on it–a reminder of the winter that didn’t want to end.

Trending hashtags: #snomaggedon #snowpocalypse

5. It’s old school vs. new cool: Fredrik goes to his penthouse exclusive with a photographer, but when he is told it will take 24 hours to get pro-shots to post, he decides to take some Instagram pics of the place instead. He explains that he is “not very patient” so social media is an ideal marketing vehicle for him. It is free, fast and reaches tons of people; he has 300,000 followers. He snaps a selfie in the tub — as you do — that ends up ultimately finding him a buyer.

Trending hashtag: #gpotw

6. It’s open house vs. haunted house: Ryan holds an English afternoon tea in his haunted townhouse to Show Off The Place to buyers and brokers but a force doesn’t seem to want him to do so. He gets mysteriously trapped in the two-person elevator, guests hear strange creaking and squeaking sounds and everyone is weirded out. He decides to hire spiritual cleansing specialists to do a smudging to Rid The Place of the undead. As the trio he hires sets about to banish the spirits by using a “really big joint,” Ryan says he hopes, instead, the ghosts will be so “weirded out by these people they will let me sell it.” We think it may have been more fruitful to do what others in the industry have done with unwanted tenants: offer them a buyout or relocate the ghost to an apartment overlooking Trinity Church.

Trending Hashtag: #smh

7. It’s coven vs. oven: We go from Ryan busting ghosts to Fredrik and his husband Derek in bed discussing starting a family and reviewing possible surrogates. “We have to narrow down who we want as our oven,” Fredrik explains to Derek who seems to be on the fence about starting a family. Meanwhile, the couple’s mini dachshund steals the scene cuddled in bed with the twosome.

Trending hashtag: #firstworldproblems

8. It’s burrito vs. pizza: After Luis stages his 88th Street exclusive to be more modern, seller Sam is disoriented and inquires about whether the furniture used to stage the unit is used. Luis assures him that “Nobody has had sex on the couch.” The ghost in Ryan’s townhome seemed far easier to eradicate than Sam, who continually haunts the place when Luis is trying to show it to prospective buyers. The ghost of apartments present tells Luis he has “five more minutes of Downtown Abbey to watch” and leaves out his lunch. “Not only is he home but this place smells like cheap frozen burrito,” Luis says. When he gets Sam a full asking offer after only six days, he is shocked that Sam thinks it came too quickly and wants to wait for another offer. Luis meets with him in person and ascertains that Sam is just finding it hard to leave New York City. Sam explains he is sentimental and will miss the pizza. Luis convinces him it is time to move on to San Francisco and finally Sam relents, leaving Luis with a $68,000 commission and some pepperoni pizza.

Trending hashtag: #NomNom

9. It’s Ryan vs. pants: Ryan is standing in his underwear saying, “Pants have always been a challenge for me.” He explains: “I have a unique set of legs. I have large legs but a small waist.” While he goes on to say he is perfect, the pants seem to be winning the battle. “It it were up to me, I’d live in a pantless world.”

Trending hashtag: #toosexy

10. It’s Zach vs. Zeke:  Zach, the developer of the building that houses Fredrik’s $40m penthouse listing, has dinner with Fredrik. During the meal, Zach alerts Fredrik he saw the Instagram pic of the 101 Warren listing Fredrik posted and is interested in buying it himself. As Fredrik shows the place to Zach, who is king of all poker faces, Fredrik nervously has diarrhea of the mouth. When Zach offers $11 million for the place, but says it must include furniture Fredrik squeals, “Hashtag #weeeee!” But we later learn from Zeke that he wants additional money for the furniture.

Trending hashtag: #fml

As #FollowFriday morphed into Freaky Friday right before our eyes and “Boo” turned into #Boom, we are left noting that in NYC the old and new, prewar and post-war, and dead and undead co-mingle and exist together in this world as well as the cyber one.