“Million Dollar Listing”: Time, oh give me time

Season 4, Episode 8: One-percenters, crying Puerto Ricans and more

Jun.June 11, 2015 02:54 PM

Bravo busted out its latest episode of “Million Dollar Listing New York,” the continuing chronicles of three of the most overexposed men in America. There’s never enough time and it is so fleeting, except when one is watching this show. Still, the overall message of this segment was a good one: You can always make more money, but once time runs out, you can’t acquire more. This helps us to remember, “Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives.”

Onto the recap:

“We are never better than our last transaction”: Fredrik gives a patented Eklund pep talk to his team about his $22.5 million West Village townhouse exclusive. The listing agreement is about to run out and the clock is a-tickin’. “The only thing I need now is time,” he demands in his subsequent meeting with the developers, but they hold firm at one more week or bust. His own life at a frenetic pace, noting he has 196 new emails, he finally gets interest from a prospective buyer who notes, “I didn’t get rich overspending for houses!” Fredrik explains that he realizes this buyer wants perfection and that is what this townhouse offers. More importantly, the buyer offers a double commission because he is sans broker.

Following the broker’s ultimate mantra, “If you like it, put a bid on it,” Fredrik happily meets with the developers to share the good news about the $19.5 million all-cash deal coming their way. Par for the course, he goes through a boring series of calls to up the bid to $21 million, which is accepted after Fredrik offers the developers half of his commission.

“Tailor-made for the one-percenters”: Ryan is at One(percenter)57 on 57th Street’s tony Billionaires’ Row, which features properties that are “ultra-tall, ultra-luxury and cater to the rich,” much like Ryan himself. Upon entering the two-bedroom corner unit, he meets with his virtual client in an homage to every recent sci-fi flick ever. Basically “Skype on wheels,” the client provides a tour explaining his seller paid $8.9 million in 2011, put in $1 million in renovations and he is hoping to garner $16 million now. Ryan finally gets him to settle on a $13.95 million ask and goes on to show it to selected brokers who all comment about the 800-pound gorilla just outside the room: the Essex House, obstructing the view of the park. Even with the furniture thrown in, no one is interested.

“Go home and hug the one you love”: Luis’ mom is in town to wear pearls and make him pancakes, but because agent Richard Hamilton went missing in action, Luis is back to square one on his East 90th Street deal. Concerned about the way he is living his life like a figurative solitary spoon, she inquires, “Luis, do you have any friends?” The response would give anyone the sads: “I know a lot of people.” Luis is always running around like a headless chicken. He doesn’t have time to eat, sleep or even catch his breath. There are calls to be made, meetings to attend and tears to cry — so much so he is later forced to cancel a dinner with his mom because Richard Hamilton resurfaces. Sadly, upon entering the eatery, it is clear Richard is not well. Oxygen tank in tow, he explains to Luis he needs heart, liver and lung surgery and possibly three transplants; his life is at stake. Still, Hamilton is there with business in mind and an offer in hand. Even though Luis says he no longer cares about that because he is sad, he is not so sad to give up a percent of his commission when Hamilton suggests it. This meeting jars Luis into realizing life is short and he may need to amend the way he leads his own life so he meets with Aaron Keith, life-coach extraordinaire, to discuss work-life balance, his stress levels and his health.

Apparently when the show’s cameras weren’t rolling, Luis had a panic attack (conveniently captured via cell phone) went to the emergency room, and was told he is close to having a heart attack. Keith suggests morning meditation and after just a minute, Luis notices a difference and begins crying, declaring, “This emotional Puerto Rican…”

Puffer Munkin LLC: Ryan returns to 22 Renwick, where he just purchased Penthouse 3. Olivia continues to try to pimp out the pricier Penthouse 1. He is there to present her with a granny swimsuit and bathing cap so she can jump into the Hudson, having lost their bet. Suspicious, she questions him. “I sell everything. What’s wrong with you?” he explains, pointing out that she still gets $60,000 in commission. After further investigation, Olivia confronts Ryan, explaining she knows he bought the penthouse and therefore is disqualified from winning their bet. Even though she has not sold hers, because the show thinks thinly-veiled ploys equal entertainment, Ryan dons the bunny suit and runs a series of errands for her, including buying her tampons because “If you are into Puffer Munkins, you are probably into bunny suits.”

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