“Immigrate to luxury” at One Liberty, a hilarious low blow to NYC’s self-important real estate industry

TRD New York /
Aug.August 31, 2017 12:00 PM

“Hello muddled cocktails. Goodbye huddle masses.” That’s an invitation for you to “immigrate to luxury” at One Liberty — a hilarious (terrifyingly real) real estate parody website.

“Give us your inspired, your influencers, your trendsetter looking for the latest in luxury living spaces with bespoke interiors, stainless steel appliances and a 24-7 concierge,” the uncomfortably true to life ad copy for a condo conversion within the Statue of Liberty reads.

Evan Krumholz, the comedy writer who created the website, tells LLNYC that he took a shot at the real estate industry’s shameless, never-ceasing mission to degrade all that is holy in New York, because it’s “part of his world.”

“My family is involved in real estate, we manage buildings. My parents love ‘Million Dollar Listing,’ Krumholz, who works in a real estate office, says. “I came from a pretty bougie area of the world, because of that I am inundated with this stuff. People from my high school who have failed, now they are brokers. They are too dumb to do anything, but they like to wear pocket squares.”

It’s a pretty glorious low blow. For instance, check out some of the amenities advertised.

  • Access to our one-of-a-kind freshwater pool, source directly from pristine hudson (sic)
  • Experience the latest in transportation with uberferry™
  • Crowntop terrace available for parties
  • Spicy mustard™, a hot dog cart concept by David Chang
  • Laundry room on site!

What else… oh! The broker and developer team…

Meet broker Evan Krumholz and developer Connor Toole, both absolute pros. Krumholz was “named one of The Real Deal’s “Listed Brokers” in 2017,” and “provides white-glove service to his ultra-exclusive network of high net worth clients, which has included cast members from The Real Housewives of New York City, New Jersey and Beverly Hills.” His French bulldog is even named Eklund!

Toole’s “first big break came when he transformed an unprofitable public housing project into a stunning luxury high-rise.” He enjoys big game hunting and redistributing wealth.

Krumholz (the man not the character) says he did his research simply by going to Linkedin and looking up people from his high school.

“The gravitas and self seriousness! The smoldering glances in these pictures and the way people without talent see themselves as entertainers,” Krumholz says. “You don’t create anything. You aren’t Steve Jobs. You are renting a $3500 a month apartment to a kid whose dad is paying for it so he doesn’t have to see him anymore.”

Despite the venom, Krumholz doesn’t see the industry as all bad.

“Is it bad that you can go to Times Square with out immediately getting AIDS? I don’t think so,” he says. He just wishes that the industry could laugh at itself a little more.

Check out the city’s hottest new luxury development here.

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