Small Talk: Open Houses in the Age of Coronavirus

We’re just taking a few more precautions...

Mar.March 12, 2020 03:20 PM
(Credit: iStock)

(Credit: iStock)

Hi, everyone, and thanks so much for coming to our open house! Our family has spent 11 wonderful years here, but it’s time for us to move on. We hope whoever ends up moving in loves it just as much as we did, even if they decide to make some changes like repainting the kitchen or removing the three layers of saran wrap we recently decided to cover the entire property in.

One of the things we love most about this place is how close it is to the subway—just three blocks away from the 86th Street stop! Did any of you take that to get here? Let’s see, one, two—wow, six of you! It’s great to see prospective buyers taking advantage of that particular benefit already. But, given that you were recently in a shared public space, please leave and do not come back for at least 14 days. Also, you, the person who just touched his face? Can you please get the hell out as well?

Everyone else, follow me!

Bob, honey, can you cover that step the subway commuters and face toucher were standing on with Clorox? And maybe add another layer of saran wrap to the house, just to be safe? Thanks!

Now, our first stop on the tour is the living room. As you can see, it’s a roomy, comfortable space, and it even has a working fireplace! This makes it the perfect spot to spend a relaxing snowy day or a relaxing state-mandated quarantine for an indefinite period of time. As the old saying goes, you can never become stir-crazy and paranoid when you have a working fireplace!

Next, we’ll show you the kitchen. We recently had these new marble countertops installed, which are great to prep food on and incredibly smooth to the touch. Just watch this video of a certified epidemiologist wearing rubber gloves touch them and see for yourself!

Excuse me, ma’am, did you just touch the counter? I saw that. Have you watched any Tom Hanks movies or NBA games recently? Get out. Now.

The rest of you, follow me.

Normally, our next stop would be the bathroom, but I’m afraid I can’t allow you in there today. No, don’t be silly, it’s not because of the pandemic. There’s just an extremely large and aggressive rat living in there who has essentially claimed the space as her own, at least until her babies are born. So, you know, nothing to worry about.

And, finally, here is the master bedroom. Or, here is where it was, rather. My husband coughed in it the other day, so we both decided that the safest thing to do was to set it on fire in a controlled and cleansing blaze. So, I guess in real estate terms, this room is what you would call a real fixer-upper!

Quick side note: setting that fire was the most powerful and alive I have felt in years. But, moving on.

Now, we were originally asking $800,000 for this property, but because of the coronavirus outbreak, we are considering lowering the price to $3,500 or raising it to $4.3 million. We’re still kind of unclear on how all of this is supposed to impact housing prices. But make sure to act fast if you want it! Or sit on it for as long as you’d like. We’re not sure how this is supposed to impact housing demand, either.

Thanks for coming, and please don’t be alarmed when our security guard searches you on your way out. He just needs to check your pockets and make sure you didn’t steal any Purell.

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