Small Talk: Welcome back shoppers! Everything is going to be fine!

Things are mostly the same here, apart from several large changes

National /
Jun.June 25, 2020 11:45 AM
Your friendly neighborhood retail store couldn’t be happier to welcome you back (iStock)

Your friendly neighborhood retail store couldn’t be happier to welcome you back (iStock)

Hi there, and thanks so much for coming to shop at Crazy Charlie’s Discount Clothing!

If I seem incredibly excited to see you, it’s just because of some totally unrelated good news I received a few minutes ago, not because you are the first person other than myself or a loan shark to walk into this store in months! As I maniacally repeat to myself every night until I fall asleep, our business is actually stronger than ever, and everything is going to be fine!

Really quick, though, you are a customer and not a loan shark, right? Because a lot of loan sharks have been trying to pass themselves off as customers lately to get store owners to let their guards down. That’s what I’ve been hearing from less successful store owners, anyway.

Ah, a returning customer, great! Well, things are pretty much the same here, in the sense that we will still provide you with articles of clothing in exchange for money. Everything else is completely different.

For instance, we’ve tweaked our regulations when it comes to trying on articles of clothing: you can’t do that anymore. It involves way too much physical contact. If you see something that looks cool, just buy it, and assume it will be a great purchase. The private equity firm that bought us a few months ago has been operating under that strategy for years, and it seems to be working for them.

Also, customers must stay six feet apart from each other at all times for health and safety purposes. So please keep that in mind if any other customers happen to come into the store while you are here.

Oh, and we’re running a special promotion for this week only where any customer who presents us with an effective plan to financially restructure our company will receive 10 percent off of their purchase. Would you like to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime sale?

Wait, what are you doing? Why are you backing slowly toward the door? You haven’t bought anything yet! You can’t leave without buying anything! That’s another one of the policy changes that I forgot to tell you about until just now!

Look, if you don’t like any of the clothes we have, why not just buy the property itself? We paid about $12 million for it, but I’d be willing to sell it to you right now for, say, $27. Do we have a deal?

Great! Well, enjoy your new store that is definitely still fiscally sound, and if anyone happens to show up trying to collect on a supposed “high interest loan” that Crazy Charlie supposedly “took out from them in a moment of panic,” just have them take a quick look at this totally legitimate death certificate.

Best of luck!


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