Episode 8 wraps up the first season of “Million Dollar Listing Miami,” and in it our Big Three —Samantha, Chris and Chad — claim to have evolved both professionally and personally. All three took on noteworthy projects and suffered some losses, but they not only survived, they thrived and became — dare we say — reality stars.
But as we come upon the figurative finish line, we don’t want to forget about you, the viewing public, who are ultimately the real stars. For dutifully watching and commenting — sometimes imploring us and Bravo to just “make it all stop” — we want to make sure we leave you something lasting. Think of it as your very own commission for a job well done, because clearly this show isn’t going to watch itself: GIFS!
No word from Bravo yet on whether MDL MIA will be renewed (and if so, whether the stars will remain the same) or just go MIA. But no matter, if as winter’s chill comes settling in, you find yourself missing our Wednesday nights together, you can always come back and click on this story, and reanimate your favorites to live on in perpetuity.
Now, on to who we can blame for all the shenanigans that unfolded last night:
1) Blame it on Love — When we last left off, Chad and Jen were on a boat about to be engaged. As we predicted, she said yes to the “golf ball on her finger” and because nothing has ever really happened unless it is documented on Instagram:
2) Blame it on the Bobblehead — Sam has decided to interview at bigger firms to ascertain whether being a small boutique shop is holding her back from her goal of breaking into Miami’s ultra-luxury market. She meets with Mayi de la Vega from ONE Sotheby’s and turns into a real life bobblehead.
As Mayi explains to her all the things that Sotheby’s can provide to bring Sam’s business to the next level, Sam nods and nods and then nods some more.
3) Blame it on Boca — Chris is back in Boca after his sellers decided not to sell their property at One Thousand Ocean. He was just contacted by George, the building’s architect, who says he has a friend who is interested in the property, even though it is no longer on the market. Chris contacts Senada and they get the seller to agree to a discussion. George, acting as the go-between for his friend, is walked through the 6,000 square foot, four-bedroom unit, and he explains that the clients want to make some small changes and keep most of the furniture, in particular the $200K
piece of art dining table. Having previously warned George if they went through the trouble of recontacting the sellers, his client must make an offer near the asking price of $13.995, they are disappointed to hear George only offer $11.5M.
Chris and Senada meet with Campion, the seller’s rep, to discuss George’s lowball offer and obsession with the unit’s furnishings. They eventually agree to a $12M price tag, sans furniture.
4) Blame it on the Tenants — Sam goes on a listing pitch at the Murano Grande in South Beach. Her client would like to list his 1,600 square foot, two-bedroom investment unit for $1.3M, which Sam believes is reasonable. What is unreasonable is the catch: the property comes with a tenant in place for the next year and a half.
She returns to the land of nod:
but explains that she’s got this: She will figure out how to pay off the tenants to leave.
Her nodding morphs into a modified Jazz hands move, neither of which are attractive:
5) Blame it on the Player, not the Game — Chad is back with Dr. Steve, who still has $3.5M of his allotted $20M to buy more property. Chad takes his fiancé to meet with Steve for dinner and she asks who the girl du jour accompanying him will be. “Do we know if she speaks English?” “Probably not,” replied Chad. As expected, Steve comes with a Puerto Rican beauty who he says he met at a party at the St. Regis. King of the Perfect Segue Steve then explains to Chad he’d like the last property he buys to be a Tower Suite in that building, but even though they are usually priced at about $4M he wants it for $3.5M.
6) Blame it on the Tenants, Part Two — Samantha visits Janelle, the tenant at the Murano Grande property she hopes to sell, to ascertain what it will take to get Janelle to vamoose.
Janelle puts on her best bitch face
and says it would take at least $50K. Undeterred Samantha, no stranger to the bitch face of her own, negotiates the pay-off to $30K and then has to figure out how to get the buyers to take on that additional cost.
7) Blame it on the Spinster — Sam is at home with her boyfriend Jeff and we learn she does what turns every guy on to the max: sends him daily reminders to get engaged to her and sends him pictures of engagement rings he wishes were sexts instead.
“It will happen when you least expect it,” he replies, meaning never.
8) Blame it on the Poker Face — Chad meets with Silvia, the St. Regis property rep, and brings Dr. Steve, who may be King of the Perfect Segues, but is clearly not King of all Poker Faces. When shown a 2,398 square foot, two-bedroom lower floor unit in the St. Regis Bal Harbour that has three terraces, he gushes about how much he loves it. Chad chides him for having a horrible poker face and gets down to business directly with Silvia, who has already seen Steve’s hand.
She says what they all seem to say — that this unit is highly coveted, people want it and that there will be no discounts … except maybe $30K. Then she
sends him a picture of the unit and reminds him to get married to it soon says that seeing that Chad has sold other properties in the building and is promising he has another client willing to pay $2.4M for a different unit, she will try to speak to the developer. Chad, feeling cocky as Chad is apt to be, says he now wants the furniture thrown in too! How’s that for your “only $30K” discount, Silvia?
Because this is TV, Chad gets everything he ever wanted and more and we all live happily ever after.
9) Blame it on Gaga — After her quick broker open house, Sam is given an offer of $1.075M. While under the $1.3M ask, she knows it is a good offer, but still needs to address that pesky tenant issue. Andrew, the buyer’s rep, says his client will pay $15K towards disposing of the renter. We are sure that Samantha can pull this off, mostly because she is wearing sequins to a business deal. The anti-Dr.Steve, she keeps her poker face, a la Gaga, and gets the deal closed.
10) Blame it on Bravo — As the episode and season come to a close, we see a recap of the good, bad and ugly each of our stars have endured.
With absolutely no set-up or explanation, Bravo shows Sam meeting with Chad to discuss her interview at ONE Sotheby’s. Because this is reality TV and not actual reality, we aren’t supposed to even question why they are speaking or how this came about. We have seen nothing but them fighting with each other throughout the season, and now they are having casual friendly drinks to chew the fat? Sam reports she is going to stay with her own firm and grow her empire accordingly. His tune completely changed, Chad encourages this and says he is sure she will compete against him in the big leagues in the coming year.
Chad tells Jen he made a million dollars in commission in a week, and in the future he wants to develop his own properties.
Chris meets with Horacio and Susie from Douglas Elliman Development about a new preconstruction project in Palm Beach and is offered $500M of potential business.
The show closes in a way we will not soon forgive Bravo for: with Chris in an extended bathtub scene, bubble foam dissipating, hairy legs akimbo.
We may never be the same again.