8 things we learned in last night’s “Million Dollar Listing New York”

A look at Episode 2, "It's Time to Eat the Fish!"

From left: Ryan Serhant, Fredrik Eklund and Luis Ortiz
From left: Ryan Serhant, Fredrik Eklund and Luis Ortiz

The Beastie Boys of real estate — Fredrik Eklund, Ryan Serhant and Luis Ortiz — were back in the second episode of Bravo’s “”Million Dollar Listing New York,” singing and dancing their way into our hearts and minds. “It’s Time to Eat the Fish!” had everything: beatboxing, singing Danes, “models…from the future”, high kicks, dachshunds in onesies, glowsticks, and afterparties. In fact, the only thing the episode was missing is its own mixed tape.

Well, we’ve corrected that problem. Here, then, is what we learned from Episode 2, complete with a phat soundtrack.

1. When in Doubt, Flirt: Ryan lets us in on a little secret: He is a master at wooing sellers. And by wooing, “the Charminator” apparently means telling his stubborn client, who won’t budge on price, she is “drop dead gorgeous,” but also calls her a “saber-toothed tiger.” Ryan clearly lives by a single view of females, something along the lines of: “Women, you can’t live with ‘em — and you can’t sell their $2.6 million properties without them.” While this client may be selling her apartment, she clearly isn’t buying the BS.

Mixtape Song 1: Girls, Girls, Girls, Jay Z

2. When in Doubt, Drink: While brainstorming with Luis on what type of event to hold for his parents’ open house, agent-in-training and mentee, Todd, blurts out, “Jamaican fruit punch … with rum!” with such fervor and glee you can only figure he had some for breakfast. Although Luis refuses to swallow that idea in favor of a quiet and dignified tea party, I think we’d all prefer to get soused with Todd.

Mixtape Song 2: Drinking Rum and Redbull, Fambo

3. When in Doubt, Don’t Just Party — Afterparty!: If you like parties, you will love afterparties. Everything is better with an after-party. Dental appointments, DMV trips and even dog walking … all are better with late-night glowsticks, cheap booze and fat-pumping bass. So when Ryan is faced with marketing a completely empty unit at 225 Fifth Avenue with the view of a brick wall, instead of staging it, he rolls in the turntables, shuts off the lights and invites brokers and potential buyers to wave glowsticks and rave in the hopes that “the apartment [will be like] meeting a really unattractive person at a bar. Their face is going to be covered by the dark and the alcohol so you don’t focus on the unattractive; you focus on the shape.”

Mixtape Song 3: Ignition, R. Kelly remix

4   When in Doubt, Stall:  As with every party, and especially every afterparty, there is the aftermath. When Ryan gets an eager potential buyer he is shocked upon arrival that the litter from the festivities from the night before has not been tended to. He delays the client at the door while his assistant hurriedly throws away aforementioned glowsticks and empties, hiding most of the rubbish in the closet. Ryan not-so-brilliantly stalls and tries to keep his clients in the kitchen by showing them hot and cold faucets. While parents just don’t understand, in the NYC real estate world, clients can offer far greater punishment.

Mixtape Song 4: Parents Just Don’t Understand, DJ Jazzy Jeff & Fresh Prince

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5. When in Doubt, Take The Money:  It’s all about the cash in the high stakes world of NYC real estate. When he first hears his client wants $3 million for her viewless unit, Ryan explains, “Even if I filled the apartment with hundred dollar bills, it wouldn’t sell [at that price.]” So when his client is offered $2.4 million all cash as a best and final offer and she declines, he quickly reminds her cash is king: “When someone puts $2.4 million in your hand, you close your hand.” Still unyielding, he tries to convince the buyer’s broker to up the offer and can’t. So, he finds the ever-so-rare real estate loophole; while he is not allowed to call the client directly, he can call the client’s sister. Deal done!

Mixtape Song 5: It’s All About the Benjamins, Puff Daddy featuring The Notorious B.I.G., The Lox and Lil’ Kim

6.   When in Doubt, Dress Your Dogs: We get to see Fredrik’s softer, nurturing side when he brings home a onesie emblazoned with “I Love Daddy” on the front for his and Derek’s future child. But without a child to try it on he improvises and dresses his miniature dachshund Mousey in it instead.

Mixtape Song 6:  Who let the Dogs Out, Baja Men

7.   When in Doubt, Use a Sports Analogy: While at his open house, Luis is peppered with questions about the apartment being on ground level. The normally mute Todd busts out with an out-of-left-field sports analogy explaining when you are at a basketball game you want to have floor seats; you don’t want to be up in the balcony looking down on the game. Slam dunk! Later Todd saves the day by convincing his parents to take a solid offer by using an even further afield fishing analogy. “We caught the fish; it’s time to eat the fish.”

Mixtape Song 7: Bait, Wale

8.   When in Doubt, Cry: Our final takeaway is twofold: Fredrik is a human being with feelings, and The Real Deal Publisher’s Apartment Is The Ideal Place to faux-cry. The episode closes with an industry party held our own fearless leader’s loft space that both Ryan and Fredrik attend, in which they have a confrontation about the humiliation Fredrik felt at Ryan’s hands last season. Ryan’s girlfriend defends her man, leaving Fredrik to sadly slink off.

Mixtape Song 8: Cry, Jay Z