Small Talk: I Am the Other Person Interested in Buying This Home

Of course I’m real. I’m always real.

You know those other people that brokers always tell you want the same property you do? Turns out they all definitely exist.
You know those other people that brokers always tell you want the same property you do? Turns out they all definitely exist. (Illustration by The Real Deal)

Hi there. It’s me, the other person the broker told you was interested in this property. Yes, that’s right: I’m real; I’m rich; and I am more motivated than you could possibly imagine.

When I was eight years old, my dad let me skip school on a beautiful day in May so I could go to a Mets game with him. That was the last time in my life I felt happy until yesterday, when I first saw this house. It fulfills me in a way that no other object or person ever could. Not even New York Mets legend Tom Seaver. And certainly not my dad.

One of the many reasons why this house is so perfect for me is because it provides such easy access to my two main workplaces: New York City, where I work as the youngest ever President of Wall Street, and Los Angeles, where I work as one of our country’s few remaining bankable leading men. The driveway looks a little too small for my private jets in its current condition, but I’m sure once I offer to double the current owner’s asking price, she’ll be willing to enlarge it.

Anyway, why do you want the house? Because it’s in a good neighborhood, and you like that it has three bedrooms? Cool. I want it because it will complete my soul.

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This is my wife, by the way. She’s a famous astrophysicist and supermodel who is even wealthier than I am, but she’s going to let me purchase the house with my own money because she feels bad for me. It’s the same reason why she let Marvel cast Scarlett Johansson as Black Widow.

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These are our children, and before you ask, no, we didn’t have them genetically engineered; they just came out looking like this. The advantages they are going to enjoy growing up will be the main reason our country finally decides to get serious about combating income inequality.

Now, I know what you must be thinking: if I love this house so much, why haven’t I already purchased it? Well, if you must know, it’s because my personal attorney Michelle Obama has advised me that it would be better from a tax perspective if I paid for this house using money from one of my bank accounts in the Principality of Liechtenstein, and it’s going to take a few days for those funds to transfer. So I guess you have somehow stumbled into what I can assure you will be the only situation in your otherwise trite and pitiful life where you will enjoy an advantage over me: time.

I’m assuming your life is trite and pitiful because of the jeans you’re wearing, just FYI. I think we can both agree that this is a fair assumption.

So, what’s it going to be? Are you going to buy this house now, or are you going to waste time thinking about stupid things like whether you can afford it or whether it’s a good long-term investment or whether I’m secretly the broker’s cousin and just hired my wife and children from a modeling agency? Because every second that you spend not buying this house is a second that I inch closer and closer towards grabbing it out from under you and calling you every day for the rest of your life to remind you of this.

Of course I have your cell phone number. Being President of Wall Street has its advantages.

You’re going to buy it, aren’t you? Good choice. A home like this only comes around once in a lifetime, and as disappointed as I am to lose out on it, I must admit that I respect your decision and obvious business acumen. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to jet off to one of the many other houses I own, where I’ll take a few days to lick my wounds and plot out my next move.

Also, on a totally unrelated note, if you ever find yourself in need of a modeling agency, I strongly recommend this place called Haddick’s. They should be able to take care of pretty much anything you need, and I get 50 percent off of my next deal with them if I refer someone.